That One Time Two Doors Got Me Thinking

DISCLAIMER:  I am NOT looking for compliments here.  I'm not looking to be validated, this is not a post in which I am hoping my friends will speak up, contrary to what I say.  Just had to put that out there :)

Once again, a Dove ad is taking over my Facebook.  In this one, there are two doors, both of which lead to the same place.  However, above one door, the words "Average" is posted, and above the other door, there is the word "Beautiful".  The people who go through these doors are faced with the decision of which one to walk through, thus proclaiming how they view themselves.  Not that I saw a single one of these women as ugly, but there were a few times in this video where I was really surprised at the choice they made.  Some who chose to walk through the Average door while I watched the commercial, thinking 'Really?  Her?  Surely she has got to know how beautiful she is??'

Naturally, the ad makes you think about yourself, and which choice you would make.  I'm sure that's got to be something they had in mind for the viewers, especially since, at the end of the ad, the question is posted: "What would you choose?", with two possible links under the question.  Without even hesitating to think, just as surely as I would have walked through the door, I clicked on my choice: Average.

I thought about my mom and my girlfriends.  I happen to have some extremely beautiful people in my life.  Some who, upon first meeting them, I felt intimidated by.  Not because they were mean, not because of any roughness, but because of their beauty.  I shied away, because why would someone that beautiful give ME the time of day??  I thought of the women I knew, and the women in the video.  The ones whose choices absolutely boggled my mind.  MY girls, who I would shove through the Beautiful door, right where they belonged.  Then that thought led to another.  If I were one of the unsuspecting girls in the video, and I made my choice, would there be someone who watched the video and questioned my decision?

Just a few days before I saw this ad for the first time, I got my room assignment for this coming semester.  This email includes the names of the girls with whom I will be living.  As is custom for me, I opened up my laptop, got on Facebook, and typed in their names, one by one.  I have done this each semester I've gotten the assignment email, always with the same dual-purpose.  Firstly, how old are these girls?  Having gotten serious about college a little late in the game, I'm often older than my roommates, and always want to see just how much older I'll be this time.  The other part of this Facebook stalking is to, as terrible as it sounds, see how beautiful these girls are.  This is not with ANY  thought of competition.  There is no contest to be won, I am not hoping to come out on top-- it's quite the opposite.  As I mentioned earlier, I get intimidated by beautiful people, and I want to see how much reserve I need to build up before I meet the girls face-to-face.

I'd say I'm photogenic.  I buy quality makeup.  I only have scattered bad hair days.  I'm happy with my wardrobe.  I have wonderful people in my life who stop me when I talk negatively about myself.  They don't like to let me get away with saying that I'm less than beautiful.  But, bless their hearts, it doesn't stop me from thinking it anyway.

This ad stuck with me for a good long while, even without the almost-daily posts I've seen of it since my first viewing.  I WANT to be someone who chooses the Beautiful door.  I don't want to purposefully glance away from mirrors as I walk by them, think the worst when I walk by someone as they stare at me or laugh after I've gone past, or put myself on a lower level because I think someone is more beautiful than I am.  So what does that take?

First of all, if I heard a friend talk about herself the way I talk/think about myself, I would be putting a stop to that as quickly as I could.  So why do I allow it about myself?  I think when these thoughts arise, we need to shut them down, and quickly.  Before they grow any larger, and settle in.  If I cannot view myself as a worthwhile friend, it would surely be easy enough to think of another someone who would be appalled to hear me talking or thinking like that.  Could I take those two roles in my head and stop myself from thinking that way?

Another is comparison.  It happens before the thought is even fully formulated.  It's fast, it's harsh, and it's natural.  But it's dangerous.  To think "Oh, but SHE is so--", or "If only I looked like--", or "Of course SHE does/has/will, because SHE is--".  I honestly never do think of beauty as a competition, but how can I help comparing?  I need to think about all the different kinds of beauty there are.  Both an oak tree and a seashell can be beautiful enough to marvel over, but they are so vastly different.

Then of course, making the changes I need to make.  I know some things I can do which would make me feel better about myself, which I know full well are in my power.  It's just a matter of doing them.  But I want to be able to feel beautiful along the way as well.  Not just "I'll be pretty when--".

Looking ahead at this, it's a long road.  Heck, I've gone through 26 years of life without getting to the point of feeling sure enough of myself to imagine walking through the Beautiful door.  But how many people would be disappointed, or saddened, or argue with me if I spoke out loud how I felt?  And can they really ALL be wrong, and ALL simply trying to be nice and make me feel good?  I guess that's the first step in making the change; questioning my original way of thinking.  So, believing in my own beauty will be my next self-project.  Thanks Dove, for rattling my world!       

That One Time I Felt Bad for Neglecting my Blog (again)

It's not a one time.  It's often.  And then I'll be going about my life and read someone else's posts, or hear someone talk about their blog and I think 'Shoot.  I've got one of those, too.'

My last post was in November, when I was close to wrapping up my busiest semester at school.  That's behind me now, and I survived it by the skin of my teeth.  I knew going in that it would be my busiest/most difficult semester, and that's exactly what it turned out to be.  Now, I've got two weeks until I'm back in Rexburg for my last semester-- my final semester.  I can't believe it!  It seems like I've been in school for so long, but then I think back to my first semester at BYUI, and it seems like that could not have possibly been three years ago.  This semester will be keeping me busy, but hopefully not as much as the last one.  This time I've got my last two classes, an internship, and my part-time job.  Nothing I can't handle!(excuse me while I knock furiously on some wood)

My mom has reminded me to "not count my chickens before they hatch", but it's SO hard not to!  However, there is the part of me which is fully aware of the bad juju which I carry, that keeps looking up for the other shoe to drop.  I didn't register for my classes correctly?  My office doesn't really have that position open?  My internship doesn't really count for my major?  It feels like there must be something that will keep this from all falling into place.  Though, admittedly, these things didn't really fall there.  It took a lot of patience and active perseverance on my part.  Pushing and nagging and contacting more people... so maybe my struggles with getting things to work out for this semester are behind me?  Wouldn't that be nice??

After I graduate, I will be starting the next step... the real move into scary adulthood.  My plan is to move to Provo and spread my wings there.  I'll come home for a little, get a shot of this California summer, and then head out.  That's the plan, at least.  I'll need a place to live (which I don't think will be too hard), and a way to support myself (which is probably going to be a little harder).  But if it's where I'm meant to be, and I do everything I can to make it work... it will!

This little break home has been full of sunshine, babysitting, Mexican food, and life lessons.  I'm someone who believes that there's a reason for most everything, and when I got the distinct impression that deferring and coming home for the winter was the right move, I wondered what my unknown reason could possibly be.  In the 14 weeks and 3 days that I've been home, there have been several things which could be that big, divinely guided reason.  None of them came in the tall, dark, and handsome package I was hoping they might, but they weren't all bad.  Ways for me to help others, to be there for someone, to learn a little more about life and how it's not full of the sunshine and rainbows we wish for and strive towards... but all of these things, the good and the bad, will be experiences which will help me in my future.  Even if it's a hard pill to swallow, there is a reason for most everything.

I'm really looking forward to this next year.  It will sure be a big one for me!  And fingers crossed that this time, when I say I will keep my blog updated through all of that, I'll actually do it!