That One Time Two Doors Got Me Thinking

DISCLAIMER:  I am NOT looking for compliments here.  I'm not looking to be validated, this is not a post in which I am hoping my friends will speak up, contrary to what I say.  Just had to put that out there :)

Once again, a Dove ad is taking over my Facebook.  In this one, there are two doors, both of which lead to the same place.  However, above one door, the words "Average" is posted, and above the other door, there is the word "Beautiful".  The people who go through these doors are faced with the decision of which one to walk through, thus proclaiming how they view themselves.  Not that I saw a single one of these women as ugly, but there were a few times in this video where I was really surprised at the choice they made.  Some who chose to walk through the Average door while I watched the commercial, thinking 'Really?  Her?  Surely she has got to know how beautiful she is??'

Naturally, the ad makes you think about yourself, and which choice you would make.  I'm sure that's got to be something they had in mind for the viewers, especially since, at the end of the ad, the question is posted: "What would you choose?", with two possible links under the question.  Without even hesitating to think, just as surely as I would have walked through the door, I clicked on my choice: Average.

I thought about my mom and my girlfriends.  I happen to have some extremely beautiful people in my life.  Some who, upon first meeting them, I felt intimidated by.  Not because they were mean, not because of any roughness, but because of their beauty.  I shied away, because why would someone that beautiful give ME the time of day??  I thought of the women I knew, and the women in the video.  The ones whose choices absolutely boggled my mind.  MY girls, who I would shove through the Beautiful door, right where they belonged.  Then that thought led to another.  If I were one of the unsuspecting girls in the video, and I made my choice, would there be someone who watched the video and questioned my decision?

Just a few days before I saw this ad for the first time, I got my room assignment for this coming semester.  This email includes the names of the girls with whom I will be living.  As is custom for me, I opened up my laptop, got on Facebook, and typed in their names, one by one.  I have done this each semester I've gotten the assignment email, always with the same dual-purpose.  Firstly, how old are these girls?  Having gotten serious about college a little late in the game, I'm often older than my roommates, and always want to see just how much older I'll be this time.  The other part of this Facebook stalking is to, as terrible as it sounds, see how beautiful these girls are.  This is not with ANY  thought of competition.  There is no contest to be won, I am not hoping to come out on top-- it's quite the opposite.  As I mentioned earlier, I get intimidated by beautiful people, and I want to see how much reserve I need to build up before I meet the girls face-to-face.

I'd say I'm photogenic.  I buy quality makeup.  I only have scattered bad hair days.  I'm happy with my wardrobe.  I have wonderful people in my life who stop me when I talk negatively about myself.  They don't like to let me get away with saying that I'm less than beautiful.  But, bless their hearts, it doesn't stop me from thinking it anyway.

This ad stuck with me for a good long while, even without the almost-daily posts I've seen of it since my first viewing.  I WANT to be someone who chooses the Beautiful door.  I don't want to purposefully glance away from mirrors as I walk by them, think the worst when I walk by someone as they stare at me or laugh after I've gone past, or put myself on a lower level because I think someone is more beautiful than I am.  So what does that take?

First of all, if I heard a friend talk about herself the way I talk/think about myself, I would be putting a stop to that as quickly as I could.  So why do I allow it about myself?  I think when these thoughts arise, we need to shut them down, and quickly.  Before they grow any larger, and settle in.  If I cannot view myself as a worthwhile friend, it would surely be easy enough to think of another someone who would be appalled to hear me talking or thinking like that.  Could I take those two roles in my head and stop myself from thinking that way?

Another is comparison.  It happens before the thought is even fully formulated.  It's fast, it's harsh, and it's natural.  But it's dangerous.  To think "Oh, but SHE is so--", or "If only I looked like--", or "Of course SHE does/has/will, because SHE is--".  I honestly never do think of beauty as a competition, but how can I help comparing?  I need to think about all the different kinds of beauty there are.  Both an oak tree and a seashell can be beautiful enough to marvel over, but they are so vastly different.

Then of course, making the changes I need to make.  I know some things I can do which would make me feel better about myself, which I know full well are in my power.  It's just a matter of doing them.  But I want to be able to feel beautiful along the way as well.  Not just "I'll be pretty when--".

Looking ahead at this, it's a long road.  Heck, I've gone through 26 years of life without getting to the point of feeling sure enough of myself to imagine walking through the Beautiful door.  But how many people would be disappointed, or saddened, or argue with me if I spoke out loud how I felt?  And can they really ALL be wrong, and ALL simply trying to be nice and make me feel good?  I guess that's the first step in making the change; questioning my original way of thinking.  So, believing in my own beauty will be my next self-project.  Thanks Dove, for rattling my world!       

That One Time I Felt Bad for Neglecting my Blog (again)

It's not a one time.  It's often.  And then I'll be going about my life and read someone else's posts, or hear someone talk about their blog and I think 'Shoot.  I've got one of those, too.'

My last post was in November, when I was close to wrapping up my busiest semester at school.  That's behind me now, and I survived it by the skin of my teeth.  I knew going in that it would be my busiest/most difficult semester, and that's exactly what it turned out to be.  Now, I've got two weeks until I'm back in Rexburg for my last semester-- my final semester.  I can't believe it!  It seems like I've been in school for so long, but then I think back to my first semester at BYUI, and it seems like that could not have possibly been three years ago.  This semester will be keeping me busy, but hopefully not as much as the last one.  This time I've got my last two classes, an internship, and my part-time job.  Nothing I can't handle!(excuse me while I knock furiously on some wood)

My mom has reminded me to "not count my chickens before they hatch", but it's SO hard not to!  However, there is the part of me which is fully aware of the bad juju which I carry, that keeps looking up for the other shoe to drop.  I didn't register for my classes correctly?  My office doesn't really have that position open?  My internship doesn't really count for my major?  It feels like there must be something that will keep this from all falling into place.  Though, admittedly, these things didn't really fall there.  It took a lot of patience and active perseverance on my part.  Pushing and nagging and contacting more people... so maybe my struggles with getting things to work out for this semester are behind me?  Wouldn't that be nice??

After I graduate, I will be starting the next step... the real move into scary adulthood.  My plan is to move to Provo and spread my wings there.  I'll come home for a little, get a shot of this California summer, and then head out.  That's the plan, at least.  I'll need a place to live (which I don't think will be too hard), and a way to support myself (which is probably going to be a little harder).  But if it's where I'm meant to be, and I do everything I can to make it work... it will!

This little break home has been full of sunshine, babysitting, Mexican food, and life lessons.  I'm someone who believes that there's a reason for most everything, and when I got the distinct impression that deferring and coming home for the winter was the right move, I wondered what my unknown reason could possibly be.  In the 14 weeks and 3 days that I've been home, there have been several things which could be that big, divinely guided reason.  None of them came in the tall, dark, and handsome package I was hoping they might, but they weren't all bad.  Ways for me to help others, to be there for someone, to learn a little more about life and how it's not full of the sunshine and rainbows we wish for and strive towards... but all of these things, the good and the bad, will be experiences which will help me in my future.  Even if it's a hard pill to swallow, there is a reason for most everything.

I'm really looking forward to this next year.  It will sure be a big one for me!  And fingers crossed that this time, when I say I will keep my blog updated through all of that, I'll actually do it!

That One Time I Was in Starbucks for Two Hours So Of Course I Blogged

I kept thinking that I would wait until something big happened to make a post, but then I thought, where's the sense in that?  Isn't that exactly how to NOT live a life? "When ____, then ____".  I'm not about that.

The last semester has been flying by so quickly.  It is, without a doubt, my most difficult and demanding semester. Which is too bad, because I could write you a decent-sized paper on how done I am with school.  Along with doing school work constantly, I have worked on getting healthier, started to learn to play the ukulele, seen a friend get married, made African food with a man from Nigeria, applied for an internship, and gotten my graduation application for April approved!!

That's all pretty good stuff to blog about, right?  Worthy of writing for the... Two?... Of you who read this. I'm just about as good at keeping up with a blog as I am with writing in a diary (I've probably had about ten throughout my life, and if you think I've ever filled one up, you're wrong).  But I'll keep trying, even if my posts are mundane, and my thoughts are only about half as deep as they feel in my head :)

That One Time I Got Inspired Again

Any time someone mentions having a blog, I become inspired to get back into writing mine.  If only people would mention blogging to me more often, maybe my blog wouldn't be going a year without any attention...
Not that there have been many grand events which slipped by without notice!! In the past year, I received my endowments, survived a flash flood and realized that, contrary to my previous belief, I am not ENTIRELY useless in the face of a crisis, and have had the pleasurable opportunity of seeing head wraps and flower wreaths-- styles I have adored since childhood-- become an acceptable fashion statement.
I'm back up at BYUI, entering into what will hopefully (cross your fingers and knock on wood) be my final two semesters before graduation. I have loved my time here, but I am definitely at the point of being ready to move on. Hopefully once I graduate, I will be moving down to Provo, Utah to try out life there! Not to be counting those chicken before they hatch, or anything...
This semester will definitely be more of my trying ones. I think. That's what the beginning of this semester is telling me. Maybe the dust of the first week will settle, and I will be pleasantly surprised as I gaze upon a semester where syllabi are tossed to the wind, and no one dares to speak filthy words like midterms and APA. And the flowers always bloom, and the temperature never drops below 50. You know, while I'm dreaming.
The crazy semester is, luckily, balanced out nicely by the girls I live with! I think I've got a good batch this semester, which is a relief and a blessing. Movie nights, ice cream runs, and greetings accompanied by hugs when I walk in!  I got pretty dang lucky there. Plus friends I've lived with before are here, and they are just some people whom I adore. Weekends where we can bond and play are what pull me through!
I am going to really try to keep this blog more updated. Not like I'm expecting much that's grand, but this is finding joy and wonder and lessons and growth in the small and everyday things. And if a grand thing happens, I will happily share it!

I love it when days are just... sort of meant for you!

Church today was just fantastic. I love fast and testimony meetings... it's such a great opportunity to hear the things that people have to say. It's not a group of people focused on one topic, or even given a prepared lesson. People just get to talk from their hearts, about whatever it is they feel like sharing. I know that not everyone is comfortable with getting up in front of a group of people and just sharing themselves like that, so I'm so grateful for those who do.

In Relief Society, our new RS president gave a little lesson, and that's when I started to feel like what was being talked about was really for me. One thing she asked was what markers we have for our lives, and the bishop's wife, sitting next to me, mentioned our patriarchal blessing. That was when things really started to click for me. I thought about my own patriarchal blessing, and about how I was way overdue for sitting down and reading it. I started to think about the parts in it that I knew well enough, and how it tied in to a conversation I had with my mom yesterday.

I'm not too far from graduating with my BA. Yesterday, I was going over everything, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Now, ideally, I would like to be an educated wife and mother. If that was my life, if I went through all this schooling and never applied it to a career because I was helping a husband to raise a family, I would not have a single problem with that. However, seeing as I don't even have a date for Friday night, I can't be twiddling my thumbs and just hope that happens. So, while I've been preparing myself for that as much as I can, I've got to be preparing myself for careers, too.

For the past couple of years, I've been moving forward with plans of being a Child Life Specialist. That would require me getting my BA, and then completing training for it. However, recently, I've started to wonder if I wanted to go to grad school so I can be a counselor? If I do, do I want to wait a while and work? Is that what I want to do at all? Do I want to teach instead? What will happen between now and the time I graduate... what other situations, relationships, etc. might come up that I will work into the equation? There are just SO many questions... being a grown-up is tough!!

Then in RS, the testimonies that were shared by both our new RS president and our recently released one, acted as a deep breath of fresh air to me. They both talked about trusting God, and trusting His timing. About believing that He knows what is best for you, and that He wants those best things even more than we do. He will lead us to where we are meant to go, and He will prepare us to be there. Even through small, seemingly unimportant things, He is helping us to be ready, in His kind, knowing, and loving way.

It's such a relief and a blessing to hear these lessons and to have this knowledge.  It's not like I've been set securely on one path, or have had God tell me "This is what's going to happen, and this is what you need to do".  And I know, like with the marriage and family I hope for, just because I need to have patience in God, it doesn't mean that I get to sit and twiddle my thumbs.  I need to work on keeping myself prepared for anything that comes.  I need to make sure I'm at a place in my life, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, that I can hear the promptings when they come.  I'll make sure I thrive where I stand, and am ready to move and act whenever I am called to.

So, life and stuff!!

Firstly, it's good.  I'm back from school until September, and that has a lot more ups than downs!  I could go in to more detail about that... actually, I wrote two long paragraphs going into depth about it, but ended up erasing it.  It's just not necessary, and would make a long read for anyone out there!!  Let's just say I miss some stuff about being at school, and there's a lot of stuff I love about being home :)

I'll be able to start making some money soon, which is absolutely nothing short of an answered prayer!!  I was getting to the point of starting to feel really stressed about money problems, and not wanting to ask my mom for help, when I reached out to someone in my mom's ward.  This woman is just amazing... I have nothing but wonderful things to say about her and her family.  I had babysat for her before, and sent her a message on facebook, letting her know that I was home, broke, and looking to babysit!  It just so happens that she and her husband had been needing a babysitter (lucky/blessed me!).  Tomorrow I'll be going over and giving it a sort of test run, since they have a new baby in addition to their sweet team.  This opportunity (if all goes well) is definitely God watching out for me.

Another big thing in my life (ha ha that's an unintentional pun you'll get in a minute) that I'm working on is my weight.  Since the beginning of this year, I've lost about 25 pounds, which gets me almost half-way to my goal.  Lately I have not been going as hard as I can, but I'm re-dedicating myself tomorrow.  At the end of June, I'm doing a Color Run (sooooo excited!) with my mom.  I want to be close to my goal weight by then, and I am absolutely determined to reach my goal weight by my birthday (July 20th).  I believe in the power of me :)

So, yeah, grown up responsibilities, getting healthy and fit (I want to be able to win the Hunger Games), cleaning the house a lot (but somehow always neglecting my own room...), and getting my SoCal glow back are the big things I'm working at now :)  This is all tossed in with a new church callings, friend time, family time, and trying to sit down and just read... and I like it just fine!!

In case the Clark Kent glasses, braid and pajamas don't clue you in, this blog entry is really geeky.  You have been warned.

So, two things bring out the geek in me: Disney and Superheroes.  Star Wars comes in third, but it's a step or two behind the others.

Don't judge.

In May, Iron Man 3 comes out.  In June, Superman comes out.  In November, Thor 2 comes out.  It's a good thing they're not all coming out closer together, because the heart attack would kill me.  It sounds silly and exaggerated, I know.  But I don't blame you for thinking so.  You can't really understand the level of my geekiness until you've been with me in the theatre as I watch a superhero movie for the first time.  I die.

Don't judge.

I could go into a nice explanation of why I love superheroes so much, but that's not really what sparked this post.  We'll save that for another day :)  What sparked this post is the idea of the superhero's lady.  It seems like pretty much each superhero has one. 

There is a significant part of me that believes in superheroes.  When I'm on a plane and scared of an explosion in the engine that tears off the side of the plane and I'm sucked out of the gaping hole (I hate flying), I sooth my fears, knowing that                 would swoop in and save me as I plummet to the ground.  When I'm out for a jog by myself late at night and I get an eerie feeling that I'm being followed, I brush those fears away, knowing that                   would stop the bad guy just in time, and I would be non the wiser.

I promise this post has a deeper point than how it's sounding thus far.  This is all just leading up to it.

In order to be the one saved from the plane, or the one watched over during the night jogs, I've gotta be the superhero's lady.  So I started thinking... what do I know about a superhero's lady?  Am I anything like one? 

First, we've never seen an unattractive one.  The ladies are beautiful.  I would never describe myself as beautiful.  So, whatever, there's that.

Then I realized that just because, at some point in their relationship, these ladies play the damsel in distress, they're not weak.  They're strong.  They have beliefs, values, and opinions.  They stand up for these things.  Whether the adversary they face is some larger-than-life, only-your-superhero-can-take-him-on villain, or the average-joe who is going against what they believe in, they don't back down.  They are plenty powerful.  They're good, and they fight on the side of good, as much they can, with the power that they have.

I would definitely like to work up to being the lady the superhero falls for.  She's a hero who stands for what is good, who helps people, and who fights her foes, without the radioactive bite, other-worldly powers, or millions of dollars to armor the rock-hard abs.  She seems like a pretty fantastic type of person to me.